Being Single in A Not So Single Time {guest post}

 

Today, it seems like everyone has a boyfriend. (Or girlfriend if you are a guy) so you can imagine some of the strange, and sometimes funny, thing people say when you tell them you are single. Okay, well usually that’s not what get’s priceless reactions from people its usually what I say afterwards. I simply will tell people (if the topic comes up about dating or boyfriends as such) that I have chosen not to date. Usually that always leads to the question of ‘Why?’ and usually when I politely answer everyone seems to start a debate even though that was never my intention or people jump in to defend themselves. ( I am not saying dating is a bad thing it’s just a decision I have made)

I have chosen not to date at all. One day when the time comes and ‘Mister Right’ comes my way then yes, maybe I will start dating but at the moment I really don’t know where this path will lead since it is all new to me.

I will admit that being single, in a not so single time, is really, really hard and sometimes even confusing or frustrating. Especially when you are an older teen who is on the verge of adulthood. For me, most of the time I see my friends going into relationships with people or dating/courting someone and sometimes I kind of wish that maybe I did date or I just wish that ‘Mr. Right’ would hurry up and get here. (That might sound funny how I worded it but it’s true.)

In this day and age almost anyone you meet (Well teenagers or young adults anyways) is either in a dating relationship or has been at some point in their life. So, you can imagine how hard and sometimes stressful it can be to go through life being single and sometimes just feeling alone.  I’m sure some of you can relate or have felt this at some point.

A couple friends and I always joke around too on how much we despise ‘Valentine’s Day’ (We don’t actually) and how we want to make a special annual event for singles but even though we joke around about these things and being single sometimes my friends and I (and I’m sure some of you as well) really do feel alone simply because most people around you have been in or are in a relationship.

Now, I’m really hoping this isn’t coming across as complaining. (Because that is not what I am trying to do at all.) Sometimes all it takes is just a simple reminder as to why you made the decision not to date and just talking to God. Tell him your struggles or worries because he always listens.

This summer was especially hard for me and I was worrying about what would happen and when I would meet 'Mr. Right'. I know it sounds silly, but really, I was. I was also a little bummed and started asking myself why I couldn't date someone and all these questions that made me kind of want to change my mind about dating. It was during my camping trip with my uncle and aunty this summer that I was reminded of a book I packed to read during the summer. (I brought about 20 books) I hurried into the trailer and dug through my box of books and pulled out 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' by Joshua Harris. When I packed my books I didn't really know why I was bringing it but it seemed to serve its purpose. :)

For the next couple days I carried around that book wherever I went and sat on the beach for hours on end while I read.

 

The author went through every topic in the dating world and spoke honestly about it.

Most importantly her turned to the bible, giving examples of what God says in the bible for each chapter topic. I cannot think of one chapter in the book where the author didn’t use a verse from the bible. Everything he said was backed up with a bible verse.

One thing that jumped out at me in the book was where the author spoke of singleness and the reason behind it (according to the Bible).

This was a great thing for me because, like I said before, its hard sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend like everyone else or that a boy would tell me he liked me! Today it is especially hard because so many people are in relationships. (Especially a lot of my friends)

The author of the book mentioned how our years being single (As in being a young adult or teenager) are short and should be spent growing closer to God and digging deeper into his word.

I now realize how important this stage of my life is!

I’m now seeing the importance of being single now. Sometimes it just takes something like this to open your eyes.

I want to leave you today, with this.

You need to focus on God. That’s what's important…and then, when God knows you are ready 'Mr. Right' will come along. Just trust God and his timing and spend your time of singleness wisely growing closer to God. God knows what he is doing. He is writing your love story and it will be beautiful.

 

God bless,

(Visit Adriana at her blog Adriana Gabrielle Writes)

Taste Testing Relationships

"He was advised to look at his options. Go date around, see what he liked before deciding on a serious relationship."

 

 This was part of a conversation that I had in the past. The person I was talking to is someone I love and admire, but this part of the conversation made something go cold in me. She explained that a male figure in her life didn't really care about any of the several girlfriends he had dated, but had actually been encouraged to sample around, so to speak, before he got into a serious relationship

 

 I guess this is the attitude out there these days. Frankly, and no offense to anyone, I want no part in it.  The thought of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care for me at all makes me sad and a bit sickened. What ever happened to love and commitment?

 

 I think this is one of the reasons that courtship is a thing, but even if you aren't courting, I encourage you to "date with a purpose."

 

 The dating described above is what I think of as "casual dating." It is something physical. This sort of dating puts the girls in the position of object rather than treasure. Casual dating does not require you to love, or care for a person in a deeper way than "Oh, he's so cute, I think I like him." Or, "She's hot. Bet I can get her number." I actually find the term 'hot' offensive. I want my future someone to look at me with eyes that see below the surface of this flawed body, that see the deeper me, and to say, "YOU are beautiful."

 

 When I think about the conversation above I think of how it must feel to be the girl, and it makes me happy on the decisions I've made regarding relationships. People may be shocked that I've never dated, but I don't want to be someone's "taste test," or one of many,  I want to be someone's only one.

 

 This doesn't have to apply to only courtship. When I say "dating with a purpose," I mean have a REASON for you're relationship. Have a purpose. Do you see a future with this guy? Does he fit your standards? How does he treat you?

 

 As far as trying to find someone you like, yes that's a thing that is needed, but putting your heart on the line for the chance of finding "true love" is not worth it. I have a much better solution that can save many a heartbreak: friendship. Yep, the "friend-zone" that has a bad connotation can be great. Want to learn about a person? Be their friend. A person is likely to show their true selves in front of friends more than a significant other.

 

 If you are the one, or if it is the guy, choosing to date someone just because you want to try them out is cruel. What happens of that person really cares about you?

 

 This process, to me, makes relationships appear to be a cheap diversion that you can pick up anywhere, something that makes me fear for the marriages of the next generation. With so much practice trying what they like, it might be hard to break the habit.

 

 Relationships should be founded on a relationship that is already there, or could be there, before they become romantic in nature. The hearts of young people are going to be in so many pieces it might be hard to find enough to give to the person that they may marry someday.

 

 God created romance to be a beautiful thing between two special people. Pray for that other person. You don't know them yet. But pray. If there is someone for you out there, think about, and pray for them. They need it.

 

 Please care about the other young people around you. Don't pull them into a relationship that will end in heartbreak if you know that it will. It may seem cool to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, but I promise that in ten or so years, you will have a new perspective in life, and wonder why you ever "taste tested" in the first place.

 

The Foolproof Guide on How to Treat Guys

 

The opposite gender will always be a mystery in many ways.

 

We spend so much time trying to figure out what they're really thinking. We muse on what makes them tick. We bite our lip and try to imagine life in their shoes.

 

But in the end, it's in vain.  Guys are guys, and they were made to be quite different than us womenfolk. This is how it's supposed to be! And you know, they do see us as equally perplexing, anyhow.

 

The opposite gender.

 

It shouldn't be such an ominous topic!

 

Yet you think a post on "how to treat guys" is a bit simplistic, right? I mean, it might seem like I'm writing a post on 'how to breathe', or 'how to walk'. We interact with people and oftentimes don't even consider if we're doing it the right way or not. This goes for both guy and girl interactions.

 

But guess what? There is a right and wrong way to do it. Like all other areas of life, there is a delicate balance.

 

These days, it seems we're being given mixed signals on how to treat the opposite gender.

You have the liberal, secular media which says you should put on something 'hot' and master the art of flirting. You have the ultra-conservative crowd which says to avert your eyes and just avoid male contact in general because it's 'a slippery slope'. And then you have the 'trying to catch a husband' crowd, which may not be doing anything wrong necessarily, but perhaps the motives are a little off.

 

Let's be honest: it's a mess out there! What's a girl to do in all the chaos? Is it possible to communicate with men and boys at all without everything being super awkward and weird?

 

Do you ever feel like you don't know how to treat the opposite gender? Do you wonder if, maybe you're being too stand-offish, or perhaps too bold? Do you question if perhaps you're being forward? Maybe wallflowerish? "Am I smiling too much?" "Or should I be more friendly?" "Should I view him as a potential husband or just a friend?" "How should I act around guys?"

 

 It's your lucky day!

Well...if you believe in luck, that is. I personally don't. But anyways. This is your day, because that's what this post is all about!

 

So here's a list of the basics I've learned on how to treat the opposite gender. Hopefully it makes your life a lot easier and clears some of those iffy questions floating around in your head!

 

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1. Follow the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Guys are human beings, too. And while they may seem vastly different, we share a lot of common factors. Usually we even deal with some of the same struggles. The difference is, guys handle reactions different. Guys may try to act tough and thick-skinned, but they still have feelings. Some are more sensitive, some have learned to just take it. Either way, it doesn't matter. Know when to open your mouth and when to shut it! Don't become a discourager, even if it's just in the name of 'joking around' or 'teasing'. There are times when us girls are allowed to get away with things that guys never would be able to get away with. Insulting and sarcasm for example. Bottom line, treat people the way you'd want to be treated! This actually covers everything right here.

 

2. Stop looking at every decent guy you meet as a "potential." Sometimes I think marriage is idolized in the conservative, Christian, homeschooling community. Not intentionally, no. But we place too much focus on finding Prince Charming. Marriage is good, but if you're single right now it's for a reason. View your guy friends and acquaintances as what they actually are - brothers in Christ, fellow warriors of the faith. Stop fantasizing and wondering if he is 'the one' and view him as a friend you can build up and encourage. It makes things so much easier and less awkward, trust me.

 

3. Smile! I've seen where some people think that smiling at a guy is a form of flirting. This is hogwash! Now, you can of course smile in a flirtatious way, if that's your intention (it shouldn't be), but if you're just trying to be friendly it should come across that way. Now, this being said, some guys will see any form of attention as a sign of romantic interest from you. I've experienced this. One time at a reenactment I met a young man and spent a little time with him and he thought I was flirting. All I was doing was smiling politely and listening when he talked! I hadn't considered myself to be flirty at all. Sometimes no matter how you try to /not/ appear forward, it just gets interpreted in the wrong way. It's not your fault and you can't stress out over it. Never, never stop smiling because you're worried a guy will take it the wrong way. A smile is the most beautiful curve you can have, and it is a sign of a radiant, Christ-following heart. Smile at everyone, whether they be male or female! (Did you know smiles release positive chemicals in the brain, too? So you even feel better!) 

 

4. Avoid flirting like the plague. It almost goes without saying. Flirting is bad, bad, bad. Just don't go there. Period. Unless you're trying to be some seductress as wise men are told to avoid in Proverbs....yuck. Some guys, even nice ones, will eat it up, but think about how it reflects on your character. Do you want to be remembered as the girl who was always fooling around inappropriately with the guys? Do you want to look boy-crazy? How would you like to see a girl flirting with your teen brother? Flirty girls aren't pure girls. A real man will recognize this, and a real woman won't lower her standard of dignity by flirting.

 

5. Just chill! If this whole topic is even an issue to you, you need to just take a step back and think about how much emotion and energy you're giving it. I think we girls tend to make communicating with guys a big deal when really it shouldn't be. Just take a deep breath and relax, cool down. Stop making it so dramatic! It's not a soap opera!

 

6. Stop trying to impress and be who you are. Leading off of point #5, one of the best things you can do around the opposite gender is not put on airs. Just be yourself! Don't put on masks or try to be someone you're not. Be genuine, and it will be noticed. Nobody likes fakes and phonies. I'm sure a lot of guys will tell you a big turn-away is the girl trying to mimic somebody else. If God wanted you to look or be like that other person, He wouldn't have made you YOU. Embrace the individual uniqueness the Lord blessed you with!

 

7. Don't be afraid to carry decent conversations. This isn't flirting, y'all. This is called being a decent, interesting human being. Good conversationalists are hard to come by these days. Be one of the few who actually know how to talk in person! And not just talk, but listen. There are very few people who are willing to be quiet for a minute and just listen to what the other person has to say. Conversations are two ways...that's what makes them conversations. Plus, if you are wise, you'll be open to possibly learn new things - you never know what kind of insight the other person can offer!

 

8. Don't look down on them. Confession: I hate admitting it, but this is something I fall prey to at times. One of my weaknesses is my pride. I have a big ego. Sometimes I look down on certain guys because they don't seem like they have as much going in their lives as I do, or because they weren't provided with some opportunities/gifts I've been blessed with. I have to remind myself that this is very wrong! You never want to look like a know-it-all. It comes across as extremely stuffy and unattractive. DON'T fall into this trap! Pride is a sin, an abomination in God's eyes. Humility is such a beautiful virtue. "By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches, honor and life." Proverbs 22:4.  Never look down on anybody, for whatever reason. And if you ever do start feeling cocky, just remember that once you were a lost sinner with a tainted heart and that you are nothing without Christ!

 

9. Be honest, but don't get too personal. Tactful bluntness and transparency is one thing, but info-dumping stuff from your personal life is another. The main difference between guy friendships and girl friendships is that you shouldn't ever share the same kind of information as you do with your close girlfriends. Some deep, personal things don't need to be shared with your male buddies. You're never gonna have the same kind of connection that you have with best female friend, and nor should you. There is physical intimacy and then there's emotional intimacy, which happens when a guy and girl start telling each other their 'deep dark secrets'. Be honest and open with your guy friends, but don't give them really personal info that's not necessary. It's almost like showing off your body, only instead of skin it's your heart. "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23. You should always maintain a sense of reservation around the opposite gender. Some things you do with your girl friends would be fine if it were just you ladies, but if a guy were around it wouldn't be appropriate.

 

10. Stop being super-sober-Sally. This goes with the smiling thing again. Proverbs 17:22 says "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." You may think you're doing the guys a favor by looking so serious and straight-faced, but you're only going to come across as a dried up, tasteless prune. My sources tell me that guys appreciate smiles and cheerfulness, and even more importantly God does. There are better ways to avoid flirting than putting on a poker-face and looking like a zombie. Refer back to #7. Would you rather be likened to a radiant sunflower, or a stony gargoyle?

 

11. Respect them. If you treat young men with respect, you are in turn respecting yourself. Every soul deserves to be treated in this manner, no matter who they are. Remember that we are all made in God's Image and this is reason enough to respect! 

 

12. Stop comparing them. We tend to compare people unconsciously. We compare ourselves to other women and girls. We compare guys we know to either our idealized mental image of what the perfect man is, or other predominant male figures like Christian 'celebs' and the like. Especially when 'in search of Prince Charming'. This isn't a sin, but it can become a nasty habit and a waste of time. We create a mental list of what makes the 'ideal man', but often the standards are way too high and unrealistic, so we find the 'real life guys' are disappointing and not up to par. High expectations can be good, but if they're too high they will be your downfall. This way of thinking cheapens your view of each individual guy and you are actually objectifying them in the process. Also, you probably need to stop and go back to point #2. Just cut it out with all this "single and seeking" stuff already, because it's what's making all your guy friendships and connections awkward. If you have a friendship going with a guy it doesn't have to be a potential 'relationship'!

 

13. Pray for them. Want to keep a clean, pure mind when interacting with guys? Pray for them, lift up their lives to Jesus in prayer. If you know a young man that's a fellow Christian pray for him to be an overcomer. Pray for him to become strong in Christ. This will not only keep things in perspective when you start thinking of somebody in a potentially inappropriate manner, but it will also benefit them.

 

***

 

So there you have it! Not that tricky now, is it? And the cool thing is, most of these points apply to other areas of communication and demographics, not just if you're a single girl around single guys. Basically if you follow point #1 everything else should fall into place...in anything you do or with anybody you're around.

 

Have a blessed week!

What Say The Guys? Q/A with Chard Phebe

 

Hey y'all! 

Some of us girls from APOC picked questions we thought would be interesting to hear an opinion of from the opposite gender., and today the Q/A is with Christian teen writer Chard Phebe.

What do you find attractive in a girl? Not physical appearance... but what about her attracts you, personality wise? I have to state that among the most attractive things about a girl is her confidence (especially when it’s in Christ). I always feel so bothered when I comment on how great a singer a girl is, or how smart she is, or how kind and all I get is a debate. A girl who can acknowledge her God-given gifts is always attractive. Intelligence, artistic ability, kindness, and transparency are traits I personally find to be attractive, as well as an unashamed femininity; I have no problem with girls playing sports, using weapons, or be outdoorsy… that’s all fine, it can even be attractive, but please, please never try to have us treat you as anything other than a girl, that is so unattractive.

How do you feel about girls approaching guys? Personally I hold to the “old-fashioned” view that guys should be the initiators, hard and nerve wracking as it may be for us. I will say that if a girl is thinking of approaching a guy in a romantic sense to simply act in a way that would still allow him to be the initiator. If he talks about a social gathering you’d like to attend with him, simply speak on how you would enjoy going to that, if he’s so dense that he doesn’t realize he should invite you, then simply ask to go, but realize that he probably only thinks of you as a friend at the moment.

What are your thoughts on courtship and dating? Oh, this subject can be controversial even among Christians…awesome! I personally stand unashamed on the view that courtship is the best route for pursuing romance; now this is not to say I look down on Christians who date or want to date; Lord knows I did for the longest time. My greatest argument for this view (but not my only one) is that the time I spend dating a girl I may or may not marry just for the fun of it I could have spent preparing for my future wife. That Thursday night date could have been spent at a Bible study learning from older couples in my church, the money I spent taking that girl out to dinner I could have saved for my wife’s wedding ring.

What are things that can become distracting or make you avert your eyes when it comes to modesty? This is a sore spot because I love my relationships/meetings with all girls in my life, and unfortunately showing a little too much skin puts a sour twist on many of them. I’m not sure girls realize how perceptive we guys can be to what they are wearing and our reactions to it. Being a Christian and not wanting to mentally lust ever, this can turn a perfectly good meeting with a friend/colleague into an exercise in self-control. It makes me sad when I can’t look a girl in her eyes because her low cut shirt is only a few inches below, so I end up looking her in the forehead or just gazing all around and feel like a jerk. It also makes me sad when I basically have to ignore a girl passing by because of what she’s wearing, I want to smile and say “Hi” but the fact that she’s half naked kind of ruins any chance of that unless I want to fight her image out of my head for the next five minutes. As dramatic as this might sound, I dare say you ask several Christian guys to read this and they all would on some level agree.

Do girls make you feel uncomfortable if they're really friendly? (Not in a forward/flirting way) Not uncomfortable, but for all “really friendly” girls I do have an admonition. Ladies, God made you with your bubbly, outgoing personalities and they are beautiful and unique. I don’t ever want to put a lamp shade on this because it can be a light for Christ but I must say when it comes to guys, you should definitely hold back on any physical displays (no “Hi I just met you, but I’m friendly, so let’s hug”). Also if you’re going to be friendly toward a guy, be sure that you clarify that you do that for everyone and be sure that you’re living it. A girl in my campus ministry called me sweetheart, which kind of put me off until I saw and she explained that she called everyone “sweetheart” or “my darling” and now I don’t read anything into it, however I can’t say that coming up with terms of endearment for most people will not still cause some guys to read something into your friendliness.

What turns you away from being interested in a girl? Character qualities, attitudes, etc? I have to stress being ashamed of being a girl. This puts such a bad taste in my mouth I want to brush my teeth. The feminist movement has seemed to state that if women are “evolved” or “empowered” that they’ll chop their hair to boy-like lengths, wear masculine clothing, see motherhood or homemaking as inferior uses for their time, and basically throw out what it has always meant to be female. To me this is complete crock; I look at any mother as empowered because she has the incredible responsibility of helping shape the future generation in ways we men simply can’t. Please, girls just be girls, even if you do all sorts of sporty and tough girl things, allow us to get the door for you, pay the check, and be a gentlemen if we’re trying to be, don’t make us feel weird. Other unattractive quality is being preoccupied with superficial things, young men are interested in young women, and young women care about more than just what color their makeup is or how good their selfie looks. Also I would say selfishness, unkindness, dislike for children, and disinterest in spiritual subjects are other big ones for me personally.

What are qualities you look for in a girl with regards to friendship/relationships? I being a talker extrovert type find myself inextricably drawn to quiet introverts for close friendships (my mentor is one), but this doesn’t mean I don’t love talking to extroverted girls (you guys can be sooo funny!). I’d said what really makes me desire a friendship with a girl is the knowledge that our relationship with benefit both of us, I realize the girls in my life can dramatically affect me so I want to surround myself with good ones, but I also want to know I can bless this girl in some way, it’s no fun feeling unwanted or needed. In all things however love, joy, peace, patience, humor, kindness, faithfulness, perseverance, imagination,  gentleness, goodness, and faith are skeleton keys for my heart.

What are you looking for spiritually in a wife?  The Proverbs 31 woman is an ideal for most Christian guys, as it should be, I mean that lady sounds like Wonder woman (She planted a Vineyard!) but personally I like a girl who looks more like a Genesis 1-Revalation 22 woman. There’s just something about a girl who knows her Bible. Also I think that your behavior in accordance to Scripture really would be what I’d look for; a girl whose heart is set after obeying God’s truth is worthy to be praised and always worth the time and attention you give her in my opinion.