The Foolproof Guide on How to Treat Guys

 

The opposite gender will always be a mystery in many ways.

 

We spend so much time trying to figure out what they're really thinking. We muse on what makes them tick. We bite our lip and try to imagine life in their shoes.

 

But in the end, it's in vain.  Guys are guys, and they were made to be quite different than us womenfolk. This is how it's supposed to be! And you know, they do see us as equally perplexing, anyhow.

 

The opposite gender.

 

It shouldn't be such an ominous topic!

 

Yet you think a post on "how to treat guys" is a bit simplistic, right? I mean, it might seem like I'm writing a post on 'how to breathe', or 'how to walk'. We interact with people and oftentimes don't even consider if we're doing it the right way or not. This goes for both guy and girl interactions.

 

But guess what? There is a right and wrong way to do it. Like all other areas of life, there is a delicate balance.

 

These days, it seems we're being given mixed signals on how to treat the opposite gender.

You have the liberal, secular media which says you should put on something 'hot' and master the art of flirting. You have the ultra-conservative crowd which says to avert your eyes and just avoid male contact in general because it's 'a slippery slope'. And then you have the 'trying to catch a husband' crowd, which may not be doing anything wrong necessarily, but perhaps the motives are a little off.

 

Let's be honest: it's a mess out there! What's a girl to do in all the chaos? Is it possible to communicate with men and boys at all without everything being super awkward and weird?

 

Do you ever feel like you don't know how to treat the opposite gender? Do you wonder if, maybe you're being too stand-offish, or perhaps too bold? Do you question if perhaps you're being forward? Maybe wallflowerish? "Am I smiling too much?" "Or should I be more friendly?" "Should I view him as a potential husband or just a friend?" "How should I act around guys?"

 

 It's your lucky day!

Well...if you believe in luck, that is. I personally don't. But anyways. This is your day, because that's what this post is all about!

 

So here's a list of the basics I've learned on how to treat the opposite gender. Hopefully it makes your life a lot easier and clears some of those iffy questions floating around in your head!

 

***

 

1. Follow the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Guys are human beings, too. And while they may seem vastly different, we share a lot of common factors. Usually we even deal with some of the same struggles. The difference is, guys handle reactions different. Guys may try to act tough and thick-skinned, but they still have feelings. Some are more sensitive, some have learned to just take it. Either way, it doesn't matter. Know when to open your mouth and when to shut it! Don't become a discourager, even if it's just in the name of 'joking around' or 'teasing'. There are times when us girls are allowed to get away with things that guys never would be able to get away with. Insulting and sarcasm for example. Bottom line, treat people the way you'd want to be treated! This actually covers everything right here.

 

2. Stop looking at every decent guy you meet as a "potential." Sometimes I think marriage is idolized in the conservative, Christian, homeschooling community. Not intentionally, no. But we place too much focus on finding Prince Charming. Marriage is good, but if you're single right now it's for a reason. View your guy friends and acquaintances as what they actually are - brothers in Christ, fellow warriors of the faith. Stop fantasizing and wondering if he is 'the one' and view him as a friend you can build up and encourage. It makes things so much easier and less awkward, trust me.

 

3. Smile! I've seen where some people think that smiling at a guy is a form of flirting. This is hogwash! Now, you can of course smile in a flirtatious way, if that's your intention (it shouldn't be), but if you're just trying to be friendly it should come across that way. Now, this being said, some guys will see any form of attention as a sign of romantic interest from you. I've experienced this. One time at a reenactment I met a young man and spent a little time with him and he thought I was flirting. All I was doing was smiling politely and listening when he talked! I hadn't considered myself to be flirty at all. Sometimes no matter how you try to /not/ appear forward, it just gets interpreted in the wrong way. It's not your fault and you can't stress out over it. Never, never stop smiling because you're worried a guy will take it the wrong way. A smile is the most beautiful curve you can have, and it is a sign of a radiant, Christ-following heart. Smile at everyone, whether they be male or female! (Did you know smiles release positive chemicals in the brain, too? So you even feel better!) 

 

4. Avoid flirting like the plague. It almost goes without saying. Flirting is bad, bad, bad. Just don't go there. Period. Unless you're trying to be some seductress as wise men are told to avoid in Proverbs....yuck. Some guys, even nice ones, will eat it up, but think about how it reflects on your character. Do you want to be remembered as the girl who was always fooling around inappropriately with the guys? Do you want to look boy-crazy? How would you like to see a girl flirting with your teen brother? Flirty girls aren't pure girls. A real man will recognize this, and a real woman won't lower her standard of dignity by flirting.

 

5. Just chill! If this whole topic is even an issue to you, you need to just take a step back and think about how much emotion and energy you're giving it. I think we girls tend to make communicating with guys a big deal when really it shouldn't be. Just take a deep breath and relax, cool down. Stop making it so dramatic! It's not a soap opera!

 

6. Stop trying to impress and be who you are. Leading off of point #5, one of the best things you can do around the opposite gender is not put on airs. Just be yourself! Don't put on masks or try to be someone you're not. Be genuine, and it will be noticed. Nobody likes fakes and phonies. I'm sure a lot of guys will tell you a big turn-away is the girl trying to mimic somebody else. If God wanted you to look or be like that other person, He wouldn't have made you YOU. Embrace the individual uniqueness the Lord blessed you with!

 

7. Don't be afraid to carry decent conversations. This isn't flirting, y'all. This is called being a decent, interesting human being. Good conversationalists are hard to come by these days. Be one of the few who actually know how to talk in person! And not just talk, but listen. There are very few people who are willing to be quiet for a minute and just listen to what the other person has to say. Conversations are two ways...that's what makes them conversations. Plus, if you are wise, you'll be open to possibly learn new things - you never know what kind of insight the other person can offer!

 

8. Don't look down on them. Confession: I hate admitting it, but this is something I fall prey to at times. One of my weaknesses is my pride. I have a big ego. Sometimes I look down on certain guys because they don't seem like they have as much going in their lives as I do, or because they weren't provided with some opportunities/gifts I've been blessed with. I have to remind myself that this is very wrong! You never want to look like a know-it-all. It comes across as extremely stuffy and unattractive. DON'T fall into this trap! Pride is a sin, an abomination in God's eyes. Humility is such a beautiful virtue. "By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches, honor and life." Proverbs 22:4.  Never look down on anybody, for whatever reason. And if you ever do start feeling cocky, just remember that once you were a lost sinner with a tainted heart and that you are nothing without Christ!

 

9. Be honest, but don't get too personal. Tactful bluntness and transparency is one thing, but info-dumping stuff from your personal life is another. The main difference between guy friendships and girl friendships is that you shouldn't ever share the same kind of information as you do with your close girlfriends. Some deep, personal things don't need to be shared with your male buddies. You're never gonna have the same kind of connection that you have with best female friend, and nor should you. There is physical intimacy and then there's emotional intimacy, which happens when a guy and girl start telling each other their 'deep dark secrets'. Be honest and open with your guy friends, but don't give them really personal info that's not necessary. It's almost like showing off your body, only instead of skin it's your heart. "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23. You should always maintain a sense of reservation around the opposite gender. Some things you do with your girl friends would be fine if it were just you ladies, but if a guy were around it wouldn't be appropriate.

 

10. Stop being super-sober-Sally. This goes with the smiling thing again. Proverbs 17:22 says "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." You may think you're doing the guys a favor by looking so serious and straight-faced, but you're only going to come across as a dried up, tasteless prune. My sources tell me that guys appreciate smiles and cheerfulness, and even more importantly God does. There are better ways to avoid flirting than putting on a poker-face and looking like a zombie. Refer back to #7. Would you rather be likened to a radiant sunflower, or a stony gargoyle?

 

11. Respect them. If you treat young men with respect, you are in turn respecting yourself. Every soul deserves to be treated in this manner, no matter who they are. Remember that we are all made in God's Image and this is reason enough to respect! 

 

12. Stop comparing them. We tend to compare people unconsciously. We compare ourselves to other women and girls. We compare guys we know to either our idealized mental image of what the perfect man is, or other predominant male figures like Christian 'celebs' and the like. Especially when 'in search of Prince Charming'. This isn't a sin, but it can become a nasty habit and a waste of time. We create a mental list of what makes the 'ideal man', but often the standards are way too high and unrealistic, so we find the 'real life guys' are disappointing and not up to par. High expectations can be good, but if they're too high they will be your downfall. This way of thinking cheapens your view of each individual guy and you are actually objectifying them in the process. Also, you probably need to stop and go back to point #2. Just cut it out with all this "single and seeking" stuff already, because it's what's making all your guy friendships and connections awkward. If you have a friendship going with a guy it doesn't have to be a potential 'relationship'!

 

13. Pray for them. Want to keep a clean, pure mind when interacting with guys? Pray for them, lift up their lives to Jesus in prayer. If you know a young man that's a fellow Christian pray for him to be an overcomer. Pray for him to become strong in Christ. This will not only keep things in perspective when you start thinking of somebody in a potentially inappropriate manner, but it will also benefit them.

 

***

 

So there you have it! Not that tricky now, is it? And the cool thing is, most of these points apply to other areas of communication and demographics, not just if you're a single girl around single guys. Basically if you follow point #1 everything else should fall into place...in anything you do or with anybody you're around.

 

Have a blessed week!

Sick of Waiting (and worrying)

Okay, so I'm guessing some of you might be a little worried about the title today. Did it get you wondering about the content to follow? I mean, it sounds pretty negative, doesn't it?

 

Yeah, it does. And I usually don't like to use conclusively derogatory sounding titles. But for the last several weeks, the idea for this post has been lingering in the back of my head. And so I finally decided to stop being lazy and actually write it. And what can I say, this particular title seemed to fit best.

 

Let's face it.

 

 I'm sure most of us have heard the whole deal about "waiting for your true love". And I'm sure most everyone reading this blog agrees with the Biblically-founded moral system which makes it clear that people should remain pure until marriage, and that marriage is meant to last until death. 

 

Marriage is a sacred union; a covenant between the husband, wife, and God. Throughout Scripture, we find where terrible things happened to those who misuse or abandon it. I personally think that sin pertaining to this area is worse than sin such as stealing, lying, etc. Even though those are still forms of wickedness, their consequences/affects on other people can be lesser than that of sexual sin.

 

For example: Stealing a car vs. committing adultery. They're both wrong, of course, but the latter will hurt more lives, long term.

 

All sin is evil and to be avoided. However, some do come with heavier prices.

 

That doesn't really have a whole lot with what I aimed to write about today, but I just wanted to remind you all of the seriousness of the matter. Marriage is nothing to be taken lightly. Not that I know anything really about it; since I'm still single. But just look through God's Book.

He gave us a beautiful gift to enjoy a special sort of love. And that special sort of love was only meant for one other person here on earth - one's spouse. In this case, your future husband, ladies.

 

So then how should one handle the matter before marriage or courtship?

 

At age 13, I wrote a poem called "I'm Just Waiting."

 

I'm sorry, but yes,

I'm already claimed.

Already got myself somebody special,

Right now I'm just waiting.

Someday, somewhere,

I'll find my somebody special.

My knight in shining armor.

Right now I'm just waiting.

I'm set aside,

I'm set apart.

Right now I'm just waiting.

For him, I'm saving my heart.

I'm praying that the Lord

will bless my somebody special,

Protect him and guide him,

until (and after) the day we meet.

 

Skimming over this, yeah, I still hold to this promise of abstinence and emotional purity until marriage. I'm still saving my first kiss for THE guy. I've learned to really take emotional purity serious ever since I experienced some hard lessons as a younger teen, concerning giving your heart to somebody prematurely. (Crushes, lust, etc.) And honestly, it all starts with the heart. If you let your heart stray, you're already going down a slippery slope and sin is a the door.

 

It all starts with the heart.

 

"Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23

 

But is it more than just waiting?

 

I've always thought it was a matter of "keeping your eyes open" and waiting, watching. Yes, keeping productive, not just sitting around during your single years 'waiting for life to happen.'

 

Nonetheless. There seems to be something more to it than just this. 

 

It seems that, with the 'waiting' mentality, life seems to become a bit full of doubt and fear that perhaps this, perhaps that...what ifs...

 

What if...you're not supposed to get married? What if....maybe you never find that special dude?

 

What if this, what if that.

 

It's easy to get a little desperate even. I'll admit, I've allowed myself to get wrapped up in concern over it at times.

 You meet a guy that seems halfway decent and the first thing that crosses your mind?

 

"Hm, could he be the one? Maybe I should talk to him...?"

 

It's not wrong to wonder this, and I think it's a completely natural instinct. The key is, how much time you spend thinking on this sort of thing. It's so easy for this notion to become a self-centered one. Or, simply fear-based.

 

God's Word is very clear on fear, and states simply: don't succumb to it.

 

And, another thing. If you're like me, you're still young. I'll be 18 in January. Yes, women have been getting married at that age and earlier for centuries, but that doesn't mean it's the 'must' for each individual person. Unless I see a direct sign or direction from God on the contrary, I still think I'm a bit green for marriage yet.

 

However, I don't think one is ever truly 'ready' for marriage, as in, completely 'wisened-up' and prepared.

 We can prepare and store up wisdom to an extent, but we're always learning more. (hopefully, if you have the right mindset and a heart for learning) However, wisdom dictates that a couple shouldn't marry until they have matured to a certain degree, and possess a certain degree of responsibility. And in this society, maturity is coming later and later, if at all.

 

Gosh, I'm rambling today aren't I?

 

Okay. *takes a deep breath, tries to get back on topic*

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, if you're worried about finding your special someone, stop it.

 

Stop worrying.

 

If God wills it for you, it will happen. End of story.

 

Waiting is a word of stagnancy.

 

 While, in the sense of purity it's almost always implied to be good, it can easily turn into a means to create uninvolved, fear-ridden young women who are a bit on the desperate side to find their Superman.

 

Personally, I don't feel this is where I want to be.

I don't want to be the antsy young woman who acts like a feeding-frenzied shark whenever a young man enters her sight.  I don't want to be consumed with fear of the unknown, constantly wondering 'what if'.

 

 There's a reason for everything, and I know this is all in God's plan. Truth is, what's so bad about being single, anyway? During these adventure-filled years of my life, I have been given so many opportunities. Chances to point people to God through a wide variety of skills, abilities, and connections, and of course, the time to do it all.

 

In short, I am loving this season of my life. God is exceedingly good to me.

 

If He has it in His will for me to get married, wonderful! If not, wonderful! Instead of dwelling in the 'waiting and worrying' mentality, I strive to use my time wisely and productively. Learning new things every day, strengthening relationships with the people in my life, and drawing closer to my Maker.

 

I'm no longer "on the lookout" for a mate. Let's be honest, that involves way too much stress and energy! Which I'd rather spend on something a bit more productive.

 

No, I've learned that when I try to take things into my own hands, the end result is always inferior, messy, and quite often a flunked attempt. I'm pretty sure this could apply to every aspect of my life, including the 'romance' side.

 

So in conclusion?

 

I'm leaving my love story in God's hands...not mine. 

 

P.S. I'm sorry this sort of evolved into a sporadic sort of rambling rant, but hopefully you gleaned something from it? *uneasy smile*

 

What Say The Guys? Q/A with Chard Phebe

 

Hey y'all! 

Some of us girls from APOC picked questions we thought would be interesting to hear an opinion of from the opposite gender., and today the Q/A is with Christian teen writer Chard Phebe.

What do you find attractive in a girl? Not physical appearance... but what about her attracts you, personality wise? I have to state that among the most attractive things about a girl is her confidence (especially when it’s in Christ). I always feel so bothered when I comment on how great a singer a girl is, or how smart she is, or how kind and all I get is a debate. A girl who can acknowledge her God-given gifts is always attractive. Intelligence, artistic ability, kindness, and transparency are traits I personally find to be attractive, as well as an unashamed femininity; I have no problem with girls playing sports, using weapons, or be outdoorsy… that’s all fine, it can even be attractive, but please, please never try to have us treat you as anything other than a girl, that is so unattractive.

How do you feel about girls approaching guys? Personally I hold to the “old-fashioned” view that guys should be the initiators, hard and nerve wracking as it may be for us. I will say that if a girl is thinking of approaching a guy in a romantic sense to simply act in a way that would still allow him to be the initiator. If he talks about a social gathering you’d like to attend with him, simply speak on how you would enjoy going to that, if he’s so dense that he doesn’t realize he should invite you, then simply ask to go, but realize that he probably only thinks of you as a friend at the moment.

What are your thoughts on courtship and dating? Oh, this subject can be controversial even among Christians…awesome! I personally stand unashamed on the view that courtship is the best route for pursuing romance; now this is not to say I look down on Christians who date or want to date; Lord knows I did for the longest time. My greatest argument for this view (but not my only one) is that the time I spend dating a girl I may or may not marry just for the fun of it I could have spent preparing for my future wife. That Thursday night date could have been spent at a Bible study learning from older couples in my church, the money I spent taking that girl out to dinner I could have saved for my wife’s wedding ring.

What are things that can become distracting or make you avert your eyes when it comes to modesty? This is a sore spot because I love my relationships/meetings with all girls in my life, and unfortunately showing a little too much skin puts a sour twist on many of them. I’m not sure girls realize how perceptive we guys can be to what they are wearing and our reactions to it. Being a Christian and not wanting to mentally lust ever, this can turn a perfectly good meeting with a friend/colleague into an exercise in self-control. It makes me sad when I can’t look a girl in her eyes because her low cut shirt is only a few inches below, so I end up looking her in the forehead or just gazing all around and feel like a jerk. It also makes me sad when I basically have to ignore a girl passing by because of what she’s wearing, I want to smile and say “Hi” but the fact that she’s half naked kind of ruins any chance of that unless I want to fight her image out of my head for the next five minutes. As dramatic as this might sound, I dare say you ask several Christian guys to read this and they all would on some level agree.

Do girls make you feel uncomfortable if they're really friendly? (Not in a forward/flirting way) Not uncomfortable, but for all “really friendly” girls I do have an admonition. Ladies, God made you with your bubbly, outgoing personalities and they are beautiful and unique. I don’t ever want to put a lamp shade on this because it can be a light for Christ but I must say when it comes to guys, you should definitely hold back on any physical displays (no “Hi I just met you, but I’m friendly, so let’s hug”). Also if you’re going to be friendly toward a guy, be sure that you clarify that you do that for everyone and be sure that you’re living it. A girl in my campus ministry called me sweetheart, which kind of put me off until I saw and she explained that she called everyone “sweetheart” or “my darling” and now I don’t read anything into it, however I can’t say that coming up with terms of endearment for most people will not still cause some guys to read something into your friendliness.

What turns you away from being interested in a girl? Character qualities, attitudes, etc? I have to stress being ashamed of being a girl. This puts such a bad taste in my mouth I want to brush my teeth. The feminist movement has seemed to state that if women are “evolved” or “empowered” that they’ll chop their hair to boy-like lengths, wear masculine clothing, see motherhood or homemaking as inferior uses for their time, and basically throw out what it has always meant to be female. To me this is complete crock; I look at any mother as empowered because she has the incredible responsibility of helping shape the future generation in ways we men simply can’t. Please, girls just be girls, even if you do all sorts of sporty and tough girl things, allow us to get the door for you, pay the check, and be a gentlemen if we’re trying to be, don’t make us feel weird. Other unattractive quality is being preoccupied with superficial things, young men are interested in young women, and young women care about more than just what color their makeup is or how good their selfie looks. Also I would say selfishness, unkindness, dislike for children, and disinterest in spiritual subjects are other big ones for me personally.

What are qualities you look for in a girl with regards to friendship/relationships? I being a talker extrovert type find myself inextricably drawn to quiet introverts for close friendships (my mentor is one), but this doesn’t mean I don’t love talking to extroverted girls (you guys can be sooo funny!). I’d said what really makes me desire a friendship with a girl is the knowledge that our relationship with benefit both of us, I realize the girls in my life can dramatically affect me so I want to surround myself with good ones, but I also want to know I can bless this girl in some way, it’s no fun feeling unwanted or needed. In all things however love, joy, peace, patience, humor, kindness, faithfulness, perseverance, imagination,  gentleness, goodness, and faith are skeleton keys for my heart.

What are you looking for spiritually in a wife?  The Proverbs 31 woman is an ideal for most Christian guys, as it should be, I mean that lady sounds like Wonder woman (She planted a Vineyard!) but personally I like a girl who looks more like a Genesis 1-Revalation 22 woman. There’s just something about a girl who knows her Bible. Also I think that your behavior in accordance to Scripture really would be what I’d look for; a girl whose heart is set after obeying God’s truth is worthy to be praised and always worth the time and attention you give her in my opinion.

What Say The Guys? Guest Post by Chard Phebe

 Most of my closest friends are girls.

 

  In spending most (if not all) of my high school social life in platonic relationships with girls, while at the same time experiencing my first wonderfully challenging years in relationship with my savior Jesus Christ I have to think I have a very different perspective on male-female relationships than most males my age.

But truly this perspective began with one completely different than the one I now hold.

Yes, I'm ashamed to say that once, my view of women was so tarnished by mass media and the incredible ease of access to sexually explicit content our modern world now provides, that by age 11, I probably thought of girls more as sex objects than human beings.

 

It’s scary how a girl’s outfit can and will change your entire view of how to treat her as a male.

 I took (and still do take) responsibility for my thoughts and actions, laying them at the foot of the cross when I was 13 and turning away from who I was. As a new Christian trying to obey what Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 about not looking at women with lust while fighting the influx of testosterone slowly making me a man, I often felt disgruntled by how most women (both Christian and non-Christian alike unfortunately) seemed not to care or even notice how they dressed and what it might be doing to the males around them.

Now let me make this point clear: I do believe it is a guy’s responsibility to guard his eyes, heart, and mind, if he sins by looking lustfully at a girl (no matter how skimpily clad) it’s his problem and he needs to repent and ask forgiveness for himself.

Being that I did believe this, I had to learn to bounce my eyes away every low-cut shirt, every high cut skirt, and every girl that seemed to say with her clothing “Look at me! I’m developing physically!”

Safe to say my eyes often feel like pinballs.

The funny thing was that as I was learning to discipline myself when it came to girl’s clothes, I started to notice that the girls I hung out with could be affected very similarly by what boys were wearing.

This was a wake up call.

Suddenly, I started noticing how frequently we men expose our bodies. Whether it’s a 20 foot sign of a shirtless model sporting a six-pack in the mall or guys posting selfies of their bodies on Facebook with the caption “Just back from the gym”, it's like an epidemic. At least with girls, older women and men as well as many Christian leaders made mention of modesty, yet for guys the idea of being modest seems laughable.

I don’t believe this should be. I think modesty can and should apply to all. I know the feeling of relief and gratitude I experience when a girl at church comes in dressed beautifully yet modestly.

 I feel like she knows and cares about the struggles Christian guys face and she’s saying “I know you guys are striving to be like Christ, and I’m not going to let conformity to modern fashion make me a stumbling block to my brothers in Christ.”

You can only imagine my joy at learning there are entire blogs like APOC teaching and exhorting girls to modesty.

In response to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and love for God and my sisters in Christ, I have decided to start dressing more modestly myself.

Now I know that for a guy this might not sound like much, but it has come with some pretty conscious choices: getting shirts a size larger than my size so they don’t hug while also not hanging off me, tucking my shirt (outside of school) so my midriff doesn’t show, and swimming with a shirt on (which I actually enjoy quite frankly).

 Now I’m not saying these to be legalistic to any guys who may come across this site, I’m just saying there are things we can do as guys to be modest. To me, being modest makes me feel like I care about my sisters in Christ, and also I even feel more fearfully and wonderfully made.

To all the girls out there wondering if you won’t look pretty to that special guy wearing a floor length skirt instead of jeans that look like you just painted over your skin, let me assure you, if he’s quality, he will notice you.

 

I’ll never forget the day in school when in a crowd of girls wearing their typical garb I could only see one girl, an acquaintance of mine who normally wore jeans, wearing a white knee length skirt (very modest in comparison to most girls at my school) and all I could think was “She looks great”.

-

  Chard Phebe is a nearly eighteen year old author, writer, photographer, and Bible student, as well as the second oldest of six children. He goes by his pen-name C.H. Phebe often online. Starting fall 2013 he will be studying at the University of Central Florida in Orlando, Florida as a Business Management major. In Chard's free time he likes to read, write, blog, and attend home groups/serve in his church. He prays that his writings bless the hearts, minds, and souls of every reader and that each may be an act of worship to our Lord, Savior, Creator, and First Love, Jesus Christ. You can read his personal blog at www.theovp.blogspot.com

Lies We've Been Told

Marriage is not a reward.  It is not something that you can earn or work a certain formula and then just watch it happen.  It's not a guarantee no matter how beautiful and godly and vivacious you are.

I used to think it depended on me.  That if I could lose weight, I would be pretty enough to get married...but then I saw girls larger than my 125lb frame, happily married and living my dream.

I used to think that if I could just get my daily quiet time together and make it a habit that I never skipped, then God would let me get married...and I saw girls that didn't have it together as much as I did planning their weddings.  I thought that if I could just learn to be more outgoing, then I could actually hang out with the type of man I want to marry.  But every time I met him, it fell through.  I wasn't active enough, independent enough, submissive enough....I didn't debate enough to challenge him, I debated too well and he wanted to always be right....I didn't believe the right things, wear the right things, listen to the right music....or maybe, we were just "very different".

I've tried everything and yet, they keep telling me that all I have to do is trust God and He will work it out.  Put Christ first, fall in love with Him....other women have done that and within just a short time God brought along a man and they lived happily ever after.  Don't focus on getting married, go after other goals and then your husband will miraculously appear.

The truth is, there is no formula.  There is no guarantee.  No matter how hard we work at being the perfect woman, it does not depend on us.

My life has not been strewn with roses.  I have visited heartbreak hotel like so many others before me.  I know what it's like to ache inside because no matter what you do, nothing good ever seems to last.  I know how hard it is when you love someone and they leave you.  I've been there, cried out loud from the pain and then got up and gone to work the next day as if life is wonderful.

I don't have all the answers.  In fact, I really have no answers.  There is only one thing that I know will never change, one person who will never leave and one relationship that will always satisfy and you don't have to wait on him to act because He already did.  My Jesus, my Yeshua, the King of kings, Lord of lords...no matter how many times I slip away and try other things to satisfy and fix myself, He is still there through it all.  He's the only one who can heal a broken heart, turn your tears into laughter, your ugliness into beauty, your pain into something He can use to help others and with Him, there will always be a happy ending. 



Interview With My Dad!

When women do not guard themselves with their modesty, they not only effect their conscience and character, but the hearts, minds, and character of those around them....especially men. As Christian girls we must train ourselves to be considerate of our brothers in Christ, and also those men who are not followers of Jesus, by dressing in ways that will not lead them astray. In our walk to try to be modest in both our actions and dress, sometimes we may not realize that even when we think we are being modest, the other people around us may not think the same thing, especially our brothers in Christ. Since we can not truly rely upon our personal opinion of modesty only, there is no better way to find out what the people around might be thinking than to ask them... and in this case we would ask the men. I chose to ask my Dad. 

 Many times, I find that I don’t even need to ask about my attire to find out....usually all I have to do is walk out of the closet and if I see Dad...or any of my family members for that matter, raise their eyebrows and give me a look, then I realize that I need to reconsider what I am wearing. Most of the time it is not easy to reconsider and change what you have decided to wear.  In a matter of a month I have had to get rid of three skirts due to the fact that they are suddenly too tight on me. It was not an easy choice, especially since one of the skirts was my favorite. 

 

I asked my Dad to do this interview on modesty with me so I could post is thoughts. The questions were a little uncomfortable, but he answered truthfully. The greatest thing about doing this with your Dad is that dads are so funny! I love his “Words of wisdom” to us girls! Here are the questions I asked and his replies: 

 

 

 Q. What parts of the body, when women do not dress modestly, draws the most attention to men? 

A. Depends if they are walking away from you or walking toward you. From the front, Chest. From the back, Bottom.

Q. What things can women do to be more modest in those areas that you mentioned above? 

A. “No tight clothing....more fabric. Wear a garbage bag and burqa. (Ha! Ha!) Low cut tops or high cut shorts are not modest.”

Q. What ways do women behave that draws unnecessary attention to themselves? 

A. “Wow...I would say course joking; Bouncing around; improper body movements. Asking personal questions to get to know a boy more intimately than they should.”

Q. What words of wisdom do you have for girls trying to practice being more modest?

1. “Be yourself....just be careful what yourself is!” (Just had to add this!! So funny!!!)  “Don’t be trying to impress the other person, this shows a spirit of a lack of contentment with who God made you to be and lack of trust that God will bring the right man around at the right time.”

Thank you Dad for doing this interview! I hope this is a help to some of y’all girls to see what kind of ways we can all improve on being modest. I know this has been a great help to me. What really stood out to me was how we behave....I have a hard time controlling my tongue so the part about course joking really made me think, and be ashamed of myself for the times when I have said things that were not modest. I would love to hear if any of you found this helpful or if anything stood out to y’all from this post. Let us continue on in being good examples to our brothers and sisters in Christ and keep a pure conscience and godly character! 

P.S. Sorry this was sort of late! Also, I fixed the pictures on my Modest Solutions for Tube Top Dresses post, so if you wanted to see them you can stop by and they'll be there waiting and ready! 

Flirting

Today I'm going to talk a little bit on flirting. Ya know, that simple little, harmless thing, that seems to easy to do when there's a cute boy around? Guess what. It isn't harmless.

 I'm sure just about every girl here has flirted. It can be hard not to... it is in our nature. And a lot of people push flirting off as being just harmless fun. But if you look deeper into it... I looked up flirting through Google definitions, and this is what I came up with.

 1. Behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but without serious intentions: "it amused him to flirt with her".

2. Experiment with or show a superficial interest in (an idea, activity, or movement) without committing oneself to it seriously.

 After reading those definitions, does flirting sound like something we, as daughters of God should involve ourselves in?

 Don't get me wrong. I've probably been guilty of this myself. But I don't want to be someone who plays with a guy's emotions just for fun. I want to be a friend, a sister to guys, until I'm ready to start courting. This also goes back to inner modesty. With inner modesty, the Lord can help us not to do this.

 In my eyes, flirting can be a mean thing. As I said, you are playing with a boy's emotions with the little actions you do. I'm not saying twisting your hair, and giggling is bad. But depending on the attitude behind it, and the batting of the eyes... We do not want to be like the strange woman mentioned in Proverbs.

 ^"For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil:

 But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.

 Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell."

Read the entire passage here - Proverbs 5:3-23 

 Guys can be wonderful friends, and great friends in the Lord as well. Let's be an encouragement to them, as well as ourselves.

 I'm not trying to judge anyone. I hope this has been an encouragement to everyone, and that we all will strive to not be stumbling blocks to our brothers in the Lord by flirting, or leading them on. God bless you all. If you have any questions, or I haven't explained anything clearly enough, just ask in the comments. :)

What Do Your Eyes Say About You?

 

In the last several weeks, numerous young ladies here at APOC have discussed what true, inner modesty and beauty is, and how it can manifest on the outside.

 

And, following that line of thought, I have a question for you. What is the first thing you notice when you look at another person? When you're talking to someone else, where do your eyes naturally drift to?

 

The eyes have been called the window to the soul, and rightly so.

And they're what we're going to talk about today.

 

The human eyes.

 

Eyes are one of the main body parts mentioned in Scripture. Eyes are our window to the world around us, and how we visualize reality. Without our eyes, we wouldn't be able to enjoy the myriad of beauty of our world...from the bright greens and blues found in forests and the sky above us, to the vivid yellows and reds found in the insect and animal realm.

Our eyes let us partake in an incredible visual experience daily. They truly are an amazing blessing given to us by Jehovah God. Personally, I try to thank Him for the gift of sight each day.

 

Have you ever heard the saying which says that sometimes you don't have to say anything, you can just communicate with your eyes alone?

 

 

 

 

 

It's so true that it doesn't even need to be said to be recognised. We all communicate immensely with our eyes, whether consciously or unconsciously. We might give nasty looks when somebody says something we don't like. We might narrow our eyes skeptically, or open them wide in surprise.

 

Flirting is usually done mainly with the eyes.

 

Joy can practically radiate from the eyes; just as sadness, pain or discouragement can be manifested through a downcast look, without any effort.

 

 

How does one lust? With their eyes. (Matthew 5:28)

 

So, as you can see, the eyes are vital in displaying many of the uncountable human emotions we feel each day. We use our eyes to judge and discern. And like anything else, we can use them either for good, or for evil.

 

 

 

That brings me to how the eyes connect with modesty and glorifying God.

 

A girl/guy could be dressed totally modest and appropriately, but have immodest eyes.

 

What do I mean by "immodest eyes", you might be wondering?

 

It doesn't have anything to do with excessive make-up, although, that can play a part in the topic.

 

Ultimately, it has everything to do with your heart, and your mind. You, on the inside. If you have a cheerful, joyous spirit, it will come through in your eyes. If you are angry or discontented, it will seep through into your eyes. It will become visible through them, unless you attempt to hide it.

 

If you are trying to grab the attention of the opposite gender, it will show in your eyes. This doesn't apply merely to girls and women. Guys can flirt/be immodest with their eyes just as easily.

 

In Scripture, immoral women have been described as having flattering lips, smooth words and alluring eyes/eyelids. 

 

Proverbs 6:25 "Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids."

 

 

This verse is a prime example. We don't see anything in Proverbs or any other Biblical book for that matter which describes a man committing sin with a woman because of her other body parts. It is always described as having to do with the face. The eyes, and mouth in particular. Obviously people can and do have lust problems with the other body parts, but I find it interesting how God doesn't focus on that. He instead points out the danger of a woman who allures with her eyes.

 

Look at a lot of photos in secular magazines. Most of the models have a seductive look, just in their eyes alone. You wouldn't even need to see the rest of their bodies to know that they are trying to be "sexy" and sensual. Now, cosmetics do have a lot to do with this. Most ladies throw on WAY too much eye make up, not only making them look more seductive but also detracting from their natural beauty.

 

I personally really like using my natural mineral eye shadows from Madison Street Beauty.  I don't wear them very often, usually for something more formal like my dad's conferences or church events. I always am careful to not overdo it., and the one time that I did, thankfully my mom helped me become aware of the fact. Make-up is totally okay in my opinion as long as it's used in moderation. And, as long as you don't start relying on it like a crutch...or start feeling naked without it. Then you're getting into ungratefulness with how God made you!

 

 

I am regretful to say this, but I have been inappropriate with my eyes before. And I wasn't wearing make-up, either. I have used my eyes to get attention from guys, in the past. I am not happy to tell y'all that it worked.

 

Girls, don't underestimate the power of your eyes!

 

You can tell so much about yourself just through them. Your eyes can radiate with cheerfulness and you can shine like the sun, reflecting the Son. You can let them drip with a sultry unthankfulness, or burn with a frustrated, angry spirit. Or, you can use them to tempt the opposite gender, pulling the attention away from God and to yourself.

 

It's your choice.

 

What do your eyes say about you?

 

 

On Courting

 

 Hello all. Today I'm going to talk a little bit on courtship. Not everyone shares the same views as me, and I'm not going to be all judgmental about it if you don't. This is another one of those personal conviction things. But I thought I would share a little bit about this with you guys.

 I'm the girl who gets all the weird looks when this situation happens. People ask me if I have a boyfriend, and I answer with a "No." They ask why not, and I answer that I'm waiting for the guy that God meant for me to come along, and when I do get in a relationship it will be with the intention of marriage. Let the weird looks begin. ;)

There are many different opinions on what courtship is. Some say it's basically dating. But this article is about what I believe courtship is.

 My parents dated each other, kissed, etc. before they got married. Now, almost 25 years later, they wished they hadn't. They realized that if they had waited for some of those things, it would have been much sweeter.

 So, when my sister, Charity was old enough to talk about that sort of thing, my parents sat down with her. They asked her if she'd be willing to wait, and she agreed. My sister's story is really wonderful- hopefully she won't mind me sharing with all of you. ;)

 We're very good friends with another family that also believes in courtship. Charity, and the oldest son in that family were best friends since they were about fourteen going on fifteen, and fifteen going on sixteen. God told both of them at one point or another, that they would marry each other. My sister didn't want to believe it- she thought of him as her younger friend- but he took it a bit more seriously. When he was almost nineteen, his parents finally decided he was ready to ask about courting my sister. By this time, Charity had realized that she really did like him, but she didn't want to let anything get in the way of her relationship with God, and told the Lord she was willing to give up her friendship with him, if that was His will.

 One night, my parents got a telephone call from him. He asked if he could court my sister. My parents talked to Charity, who said yes when she realized it was actually God's will to become even greater friends with Beau. They had a courtship that lasted almost a year. Then he blindfolded her, walked her up a mountain, and showed her a giant glowing cross before kneeling, and asking her to marry him. She said yes. :) They've been married for going on two years this month, have a beautiful little daughter, and a son on the way.

 My parents never really had that talk with me, but I've made the decision based on many things. Their wisdom, my sister's experience, books I've read. (Preparing to be a Helpmeet) The decision isn't being forced on me, but I feel like it's the right thing for me to do.

 Here are some things my family does in courtship.

 Courtship is to get to know someone with the intention of marriage. My sister and bro-in-law talked on the phone a lot, and got to know each other more then they did as just friends.

 My sister and bro-in-law didn't kiss, and neither will I. O.O But how will you know if you have 'sparks?!?!' Don't worry. I plan on praying about it just like my sister did. The Lord will let you know if someone is the right one.

They didn't hold hands either. WHAT???? This isn't a courtship principle that everyone follows, but my sister and bro-in-law wanted to keep their relationship pure in the sight of God. They realized that holding hands, (and kissing for that matter) could lead to things that would not please the Lord. Once they were engaged they did hold hands, though.

 We will have a chaperon. Isn't that a little strict? Not really. Having a chaperon helps the two individuals not get caught up in anything that wouldn't glorify Christ. And it's always fun to be the third wheel who gets to do fun stuff. ;)

 So that's a little bit on courtship. There are other reasons I've decided to court, and if you want to know any more about it, just ask in the comments. Once again, courtship is MY choice. If you don't feel that way, do not feel bad.

 I hope you've enjoyed learning a little about courtship. :)

Genesis 2:24  Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

 God bless!