What Say The Guys? Q/A with Chard Phebe

 

Hey y'all! 

Some of us girls from APOC picked questions we thought would be interesting to hear an opinion of from the opposite gender., and today the Q/A is with Christian teen writer Chard Phebe.

What do you find attractive in a girl? Not physical appearance... but what about her attracts you, personality wise? I have to state that among the most attractive things about a girl is her confidence (especially when it’s in Christ). I always feel so bothered when I comment on how great a singer a girl is, or how smart she is, or how kind and all I get is a debate. A girl who can acknowledge her God-given gifts is always attractive. Intelligence, artistic ability, kindness, and transparency are traits I personally find to be attractive, as well as an unashamed femininity; I have no problem with girls playing sports, using weapons, or be outdoorsy… that’s all fine, it can even be attractive, but please, please never try to have us treat you as anything other than a girl, that is so unattractive.

How do you feel about girls approaching guys? Personally I hold to the “old-fashioned” view that guys should be the initiators, hard and nerve wracking as it may be for us. I will say that if a girl is thinking of approaching a guy in a romantic sense to simply act in a way that would still allow him to be the initiator. If he talks about a social gathering you’d like to attend with him, simply speak on how you would enjoy going to that, if he’s so dense that he doesn’t realize he should invite you, then simply ask to go, but realize that he probably only thinks of you as a friend at the moment.

What are your thoughts on courtship and dating? Oh, this subject can be controversial even among Christians…awesome! I personally stand unashamed on the view that courtship is the best route for pursuing romance; now this is not to say I look down on Christians who date or want to date; Lord knows I did for the longest time. My greatest argument for this view (but not my only one) is that the time I spend dating a girl I may or may not marry just for the fun of it I could have spent preparing for my future wife. That Thursday night date could have been spent at a Bible study learning from older couples in my church, the money I spent taking that girl out to dinner I could have saved for my wife’s wedding ring.

What are things that can become distracting or make you avert your eyes when it comes to modesty? This is a sore spot because I love my relationships/meetings with all girls in my life, and unfortunately showing a little too much skin puts a sour twist on many of them. I’m not sure girls realize how perceptive we guys can be to what they are wearing and our reactions to it. Being a Christian and not wanting to mentally lust ever, this can turn a perfectly good meeting with a friend/colleague into an exercise in self-control. It makes me sad when I can’t look a girl in her eyes because her low cut shirt is only a few inches below, so I end up looking her in the forehead or just gazing all around and feel like a jerk. It also makes me sad when I basically have to ignore a girl passing by because of what she’s wearing, I want to smile and say “Hi” but the fact that she’s half naked kind of ruins any chance of that unless I want to fight her image out of my head for the next five minutes. As dramatic as this might sound, I dare say you ask several Christian guys to read this and they all would on some level agree.

Do girls make you feel uncomfortable if they're really friendly? (Not in a forward/flirting way) Not uncomfortable, but for all “really friendly” girls I do have an admonition. Ladies, God made you with your bubbly, outgoing personalities and they are beautiful and unique. I don’t ever want to put a lamp shade on this because it can be a light for Christ but I must say when it comes to guys, you should definitely hold back on any physical displays (no “Hi I just met you, but I’m friendly, so let’s hug”). Also if you’re going to be friendly toward a guy, be sure that you clarify that you do that for everyone and be sure that you’re living it. A girl in my campus ministry called me sweetheart, which kind of put me off until I saw and she explained that she called everyone “sweetheart” or “my darling” and now I don’t read anything into it, however I can’t say that coming up with terms of endearment for most people will not still cause some guys to read something into your friendliness.

What turns you away from being interested in a girl? Character qualities, attitudes, etc? I have to stress being ashamed of being a girl. This puts such a bad taste in my mouth I want to brush my teeth. The feminist movement has seemed to state that if women are “evolved” or “empowered” that they’ll chop their hair to boy-like lengths, wear masculine clothing, see motherhood or homemaking as inferior uses for their time, and basically throw out what it has always meant to be female. To me this is complete crock; I look at any mother as empowered because she has the incredible responsibility of helping shape the future generation in ways we men simply can’t. Please, girls just be girls, even if you do all sorts of sporty and tough girl things, allow us to get the door for you, pay the check, and be a gentlemen if we’re trying to be, don’t make us feel weird. Other unattractive quality is being preoccupied with superficial things, young men are interested in young women, and young women care about more than just what color their makeup is or how good their selfie looks. Also I would say selfishness, unkindness, dislike for children, and disinterest in spiritual subjects are other big ones for me personally.

What are qualities you look for in a girl with regards to friendship/relationships? I being a talker extrovert type find myself inextricably drawn to quiet introverts for close friendships (my mentor is one), but this doesn’t mean I don’t love talking to extroverted girls (you guys can be sooo funny!). I’d said what really makes me desire a friendship with a girl is the knowledge that our relationship with benefit both of us, I realize the girls in my life can dramatically affect me so I want to surround myself with good ones, but I also want to know I can bless this girl in some way, it’s no fun feeling unwanted or needed. In all things however love, joy, peace, patience, humor, kindness, faithfulness, perseverance, imagination,  gentleness, goodness, and faith are skeleton keys for my heart.

What are you looking for spiritually in a wife?  The Proverbs 31 woman is an ideal for most Christian guys, as it should be, I mean that lady sounds like Wonder woman (She planted a Vineyard!) but personally I like a girl who looks more like a Genesis 1-Revalation 22 woman. There’s just something about a girl who knows her Bible. Also I think that your behavior in accordance to Scripture really would be what I’d look for; a girl whose heart is set after obeying God’s truth is worthy to be praised and always worth the time and attention you give her in my opinion.

What Is "Lady-Like"?

 

 Checking APOC mail in my inbox, I found a note from a young lady requesting help on knowing what "becoming a lady"is.  Here is what she said:

 

 

Dear A Pinch Of Classy,
After about a year of struggling with it and living on the border, I've decided it's time for me to become a lady. What do you suppose that entails? I've worn skirts for a long time, and my casual is the same as my Sunday clothes, so my dress style I don't think needs to change. For me, it has so far meant running up stairs one step at a time as opposed to two, and not wrestling with my brothers (though I still race them). I think I'm missing something, though. If you would please pray about it and post a reply, I'd be most appreciative. I'll pray about it too.
Sincerely, A New-found Lady  

 

 

Well, New-Found Lady, first of all, that is an excellent question!  I am glad to hear you want to become a lady and want to know how to carry yourself like one.

 

For centuries women have strived to be "lady-like".  Only until the last 50 years in particular has this striving deteriorated greatly from society. 

 

Whenever I hear the term lady-like, I tend to automatically associate it with being classy, and possessing a sense of modesty. I think these three go hand in hand with each other perfectly.

 

So what does it mean to be a "lady?" What does it mean to be "lady-like?"

 

The 1828 Webster's dictionary describes the word lady in this manner.

 

LA'DY, n. "A woman of distinction. Originally, the title of lady was given to the daughters of earls and others in higher rank, but by custom, the title belongs to any woman of genteel education."

 

LA'DY-LIKE, a. "Like a lady in manners; genteel; well-bred."

 

What does genteel mean? From the same 1828 Webster's dictionary:

 

GENTEE'L, a. 1. "Polite; well-bred; easy and graceful in manners or behavior..." 2., "Graceful in mein or form; elegant..." 3. "Decorous; refined; free from anything low or vulgar..."

 

I think genteel sums up "lady-like" pretty well.  A true lady is in essence, a true woman. Feminine, graceful, never given to partaking in anything crass, crude or vulgar.  Refined. Thoughtful of others.

 

You asked how one can become a lady, and what this entails.

 

I am speaking from my own personal opinion when I say that being lady-like is far more than just carrying yourself like a queen and never laughing at rude jokes.

 

You said that you have worn skirts for a long time and don't think your outfit choices are what need changing.

Quite honestly, I personally do not believe skirts automatically define you as a lady. I have seen young women who wear long skirts and act like childish little girls instead of true ladies. I have been one of those young women, myself. 

 

 If you would like to become a lady than you need not focus overly on your clothes because that is not the core of what being a lady is. Yes, your choice of apparel has everything to do with the topic, but it is not what is most important.

And for the record, I think pants (as long as they are modest) are totally fine and that you can still be a lady in pants. (Even though I have always felt classier and more lady-like in skirts and dresses, personally.)

 

 You also said that "For me, it has so far meant running up stairs one step at a time as opposed to two, and not wrestling with my brothers (though I still race them)."

 

As a sister to 4 younger brothers, I can completely relate with you here. *smiles* In fact, a couple months ago even I wrestled with the eldest one who is 13. I used to wrestle and fight him pretty frequently, but now I have generally stopped wrestling with Will because, obviously, it isn't very appropriate given the ages we are both at currently, with him going through puberty, especially.
However, we still box sometimes and chase each other around the house doing poke wars.

I don't think that being lady-like means you can't ever do anything physical. Actually I greatly detest that line of thinking because...well, honestly, it's no fun! If you are still in your childhood/teen hood/in a situation where you can still run around with your siblings, than I would highly suggest you take advantage of it while it's still there. It is a gift, and as you grow up, it will eventually be gone.

Now, when I jump on the trampoline with my brothers, I make sure that I wear something adequate. Pants and a shirt which don't fly up revealingly, or a skirt with something underneath it. When I run, I follow the same rule. (You can get other ideas for what to wear while doing these kind of activities here)

So, in conclusion to whether or not you should run two steps at a time down the stairs or wrestle with your brothers, and how this affects your being a lady; I would say that depending on you and your brothers' ages, the wrestling probably isn't very lady-like. If you are in your early teens, or your brothers are much younger than you, than it might be alright. (Depending on what you wear and how rough you get!) But if you are like me, a 17 year old girl, and your brother is like mine, entering puberty, I would advise against it.

The stairs-issue? I'll admit that I still do the double-step thing sometimes. ;) Once again it totally depends on where you are and who you're with, as well as what you're wearing.

Being a lady can range from how you sit on the couch to how you walk, and how you carry a conversation. It really goes hand in hand, as I said earlier, with being modest and classy.

Want to act like a lady? Never do anything you wouldn't think is appropriate or becoming for someone your age and gender. Hold your head highly but don't look down your nose at people.
Stand up straight, and don't slouch. I have been told that I looked regal when I did this. (Even though obviously I don't do things just to be told I looked 'regal'!)

Ladies speak with purpose and clarity.

Ladies think of others before themselves, and strive to be selfless and generous with their time, possessions and abilities.

These are just a few things which I believe come with being a lady. As I said, it is a very subjective matter. While there are certain absolutes, e.g., ladies never flirt or wear clothing which flaunts their bodies, ssometimes, what might be good for one person is totally wrong for another, and vice versa.

My mother is a true lady. I have learned so much from her, and I'm sure you can probably do the same with your own mother or even grandmother. Look around you for examples of being truly-ladylike.


If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask! I hope this helped you and was encouraging to you. I would definitely suggest to continue praying about it.

I pray constantly that God would help me to flourish into a Godly, on-fire-for-Him woman. A real woman. I think this is a very important thing to strive for, even far above being "lady-like", because lady-like is more of a surface issue and being a Godly woman is more internal, a matter of the heart.


Hope you're having a blessed day!