Being Single in A Not So Single Time {guest post}

 

Today, it seems like everyone has a boyfriend. (Or girlfriend if you are a guy) so you can imagine some of the strange, and sometimes funny, thing people say when you tell them you are single. Okay, well usually that’s not what get’s priceless reactions from people its usually what I say afterwards. I simply will tell people (if the topic comes up about dating or boyfriends as such) that I have chosen not to date. Usually that always leads to the question of ‘Why?’ and usually when I politely answer everyone seems to start a debate even though that was never my intention or people jump in to defend themselves. ( I am not saying dating is a bad thing it’s just a decision I have made)

I have chosen not to date at all. One day when the time comes and ‘Mister Right’ comes my way then yes, maybe I will start dating but at the moment I really don’t know where this path will lead since it is all new to me.

I will admit that being single, in a not so single time, is really, really hard and sometimes even confusing or frustrating. Especially when you are an older teen who is on the verge of adulthood. For me, most of the time I see my friends going into relationships with people or dating/courting someone and sometimes I kind of wish that maybe I did date or I just wish that ‘Mr. Right’ would hurry up and get here. (That might sound funny how I worded it but it’s true.)

In this day and age almost anyone you meet (Well teenagers or young adults anyways) is either in a dating relationship or has been at some point in their life. So, you can imagine how hard and sometimes stressful it can be to go through life being single and sometimes just feeling alone.  I’m sure some of you can relate or have felt this at some point.

A couple friends and I always joke around too on how much we despise ‘Valentine’s Day’ (We don’t actually) and how we want to make a special annual event for singles but even though we joke around about these things and being single sometimes my friends and I (and I’m sure some of you as well) really do feel alone simply because most people around you have been in or are in a relationship.

Now, I’m really hoping this isn’t coming across as complaining. (Because that is not what I am trying to do at all.) Sometimes all it takes is just a simple reminder as to why you made the decision not to date and just talking to God. Tell him your struggles or worries because he always listens.

This summer was especially hard for me and I was worrying about what would happen and when I would meet 'Mr. Right'. I know it sounds silly, but really, I was. I was also a little bummed and started asking myself why I couldn't date someone and all these questions that made me kind of want to change my mind about dating. It was during my camping trip with my uncle and aunty this summer that I was reminded of a book I packed to read during the summer. (I brought about 20 books) I hurried into the trailer and dug through my box of books and pulled out 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' by Joshua Harris. When I packed my books I didn't really know why I was bringing it but it seemed to serve its purpose. :)

For the next couple days I carried around that book wherever I went and sat on the beach for hours on end while I read.

 

The author went through every topic in the dating world and spoke honestly about it.

Most importantly her turned to the bible, giving examples of what God says in the bible for each chapter topic. I cannot think of one chapter in the book where the author didn’t use a verse from the bible. Everything he said was backed up with a bible verse.

One thing that jumped out at me in the book was where the author spoke of singleness and the reason behind it (according to the Bible).

This was a great thing for me because, like I said before, its hard sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend like everyone else or that a boy would tell me he liked me! Today it is especially hard because so many people are in relationships. (Especially a lot of my friends)

The author of the book mentioned how our years being single (As in being a young adult or teenager) are short and should be spent growing closer to God and digging deeper into his word.

I now realize how important this stage of my life is!

I’m now seeing the importance of being single now. Sometimes it just takes something like this to open your eyes.

I want to leave you today, with this.

You need to focus on God. That’s what's important…and then, when God knows you are ready 'Mr. Right' will come along. Just trust God and his timing and spend your time of singleness wisely growing closer to God. God knows what he is doing. He is writing your love story and it will be beautiful.

 

God bless,

(Visit Adriana at her blog Adriana Gabrielle Writes)

Taste Testing Relationships

"He was advised to look at his options. Go date around, see what he liked before deciding on a serious relationship."

 

 This was part of a conversation that I had in the past. The person I was talking to is someone I love and admire, but this part of the conversation made something go cold in me. She explained that a male figure in her life didn't really care about any of the several girlfriends he had dated, but had actually been encouraged to sample around, so to speak, before he got into a serious relationship

 

 I guess this is the attitude out there these days. Frankly, and no offense to anyone, I want no part in it.  The thought of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care for me at all makes me sad and a bit sickened. What ever happened to love and commitment?

 

 I think this is one of the reasons that courtship is a thing, but even if you aren't courting, I encourage you to "date with a purpose."

 

 The dating described above is what I think of as "casual dating." It is something physical. This sort of dating puts the girls in the position of object rather than treasure. Casual dating does not require you to love, or care for a person in a deeper way than "Oh, he's so cute, I think I like him." Or, "She's hot. Bet I can get her number." I actually find the term 'hot' offensive. I want my future someone to look at me with eyes that see below the surface of this flawed body, that see the deeper me, and to say, "YOU are beautiful."

 

 When I think about the conversation above I think of how it must feel to be the girl, and it makes me happy on the decisions I've made regarding relationships. People may be shocked that I've never dated, but I don't want to be someone's "taste test," or one of many,  I want to be someone's only one.

 

 This doesn't have to apply to only courtship. When I say "dating with a purpose," I mean have a REASON for you're relationship. Have a purpose. Do you see a future with this guy? Does he fit your standards? How does he treat you?

 

 As far as trying to find someone you like, yes that's a thing that is needed, but putting your heart on the line for the chance of finding "true love" is not worth it. I have a much better solution that can save many a heartbreak: friendship. Yep, the "friend-zone" that has a bad connotation can be great. Want to learn about a person? Be their friend. A person is likely to show their true selves in front of friends more than a significant other.

 

 If you are the one, or if it is the guy, choosing to date someone just because you want to try them out is cruel. What happens of that person really cares about you?

 

 This process, to me, makes relationships appear to be a cheap diversion that you can pick up anywhere, something that makes me fear for the marriages of the next generation. With so much practice trying what they like, it might be hard to break the habit.

 

 Relationships should be founded on a relationship that is already there, or could be there, before they become romantic in nature. The hearts of young people are going to be in so many pieces it might be hard to find enough to give to the person that they may marry someday.

 

 God created romance to be a beautiful thing between two special people. Pray for that other person. You don't know them yet. But pray. If there is someone for you out there, think about, and pray for them. They need it.

 

 Please care about the other young people around you. Don't pull them into a relationship that will end in heartbreak if you know that it will. It may seem cool to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, but I promise that in ten or so years, you will have a new perspective in life, and wonder why you ever "taste tested" in the first place.

 

Sick of Waiting (and worrying)

Okay, so I'm guessing some of you might be a little worried about the title today. Did it get you wondering about the content to follow? I mean, it sounds pretty negative, doesn't it?

 

Yeah, it does. And I usually don't like to use conclusively derogatory sounding titles. But for the last several weeks, the idea for this post has been lingering in the back of my head. And so I finally decided to stop being lazy and actually write it. And what can I say, this particular title seemed to fit best.

 

Let's face it.

 

 I'm sure most of us have heard the whole deal about "waiting for your true love". And I'm sure most everyone reading this blog agrees with the Biblically-founded moral system which makes it clear that people should remain pure until marriage, and that marriage is meant to last until death. 

 

Marriage is a sacred union; a covenant between the husband, wife, and God. Throughout Scripture, we find where terrible things happened to those who misuse or abandon it. I personally think that sin pertaining to this area is worse than sin such as stealing, lying, etc. Even though those are still forms of wickedness, their consequences/affects on other people can be lesser than that of sexual sin.

 

For example: Stealing a car vs. committing adultery. They're both wrong, of course, but the latter will hurt more lives, long term.

 

All sin is evil and to be avoided. However, some do come with heavier prices.

 

That doesn't really have a whole lot with what I aimed to write about today, but I just wanted to remind you all of the seriousness of the matter. Marriage is nothing to be taken lightly. Not that I know anything really about it; since I'm still single. But just look through God's Book.

He gave us a beautiful gift to enjoy a special sort of love. And that special sort of love was only meant for one other person here on earth - one's spouse. In this case, your future husband, ladies.

 

So then how should one handle the matter before marriage or courtship?

 

At age 13, I wrote a poem called "I'm Just Waiting."

 

I'm sorry, but yes,

I'm already claimed.

Already got myself somebody special,

Right now I'm just waiting.

Someday, somewhere,

I'll find my somebody special.

My knight in shining armor.

Right now I'm just waiting.

I'm set aside,

I'm set apart.

Right now I'm just waiting.

For him, I'm saving my heart.

I'm praying that the Lord

will bless my somebody special,

Protect him and guide him,

until (and after) the day we meet.

 

Skimming over this, yeah, I still hold to this promise of abstinence and emotional purity until marriage. I'm still saving my first kiss for THE guy. I've learned to really take emotional purity serious ever since I experienced some hard lessons as a younger teen, concerning giving your heart to somebody prematurely. (Crushes, lust, etc.) And honestly, it all starts with the heart. If you let your heart stray, you're already going down a slippery slope and sin is a the door.

 

It all starts with the heart.

 

"Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23

 

But is it more than just waiting?

 

I've always thought it was a matter of "keeping your eyes open" and waiting, watching. Yes, keeping productive, not just sitting around during your single years 'waiting for life to happen.'

 

Nonetheless. There seems to be something more to it than just this. 

 

It seems that, with the 'waiting' mentality, life seems to become a bit full of doubt and fear that perhaps this, perhaps that...what ifs...

 

What if...you're not supposed to get married? What if....maybe you never find that special dude?

 

What if this, what if that.

 

It's easy to get a little desperate even. I'll admit, I've allowed myself to get wrapped up in concern over it at times.

 You meet a guy that seems halfway decent and the first thing that crosses your mind?

 

"Hm, could he be the one? Maybe I should talk to him...?"

 

It's not wrong to wonder this, and I think it's a completely natural instinct. The key is, how much time you spend thinking on this sort of thing. It's so easy for this notion to become a self-centered one. Or, simply fear-based.

 

God's Word is very clear on fear, and states simply: don't succumb to it.

 

And, another thing. If you're like me, you're still young. I'll be 18 in January. Yes, women have been getting married at that age and earlier for centuries, but that doesn't mean it's the 'must' for each individual person. Unless I see a direct sign or direction from God on the contrary, I still think I'm a bit green for marriage yet.

 

However, I don't think one is ever truly 'ready' for marriage, as in, completely 'wisened-up' and prepared.

 We can prepare and store up wisdom to an extent, but we're always learning more. (hopefully, if you have the right mindset and a heart for learning) However, wisdom dictates that a couple shouldn't marry until they have matured to a certain degree, and possess a certain degree of responsibility. And in this society, maturity is coming later and later, if at all.

 

Gosh, I'm rambling today aren't I?

 

Okay. *takes a deep breath, tries to get back on topic*

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, if you're worried about finding your special someone, stop it.

 

Stop worrying.

 

If God wills it for you, it will happen. End of story.

 

Waiting is a word of stagnancy.

 

 While, in the sense of purity it's almost always implied to be good, it can easily turn into a means to create uninvolved, fear-ridden young women who are a bit on the desperate side to find their Superman.

 

Personally, I don't feel this is where I want to be.

I don't want to be the antsy young woman who acts like a feeding-frenzied shark whenever a young man enters her sight.  I don't want to be consumed with fear of the unknown, constantly wondering 'what if'.

 

 There's a reason for everything, and I know this is all in God's plan. Truth is, what's so bad about being single, anyway? During these adventure-filled years of my life, I have been given so many opportunities. Chances to point people to God through a wide variety of skills, abilities, and connections, and of course, the time to do it all.

 

In short, I am loving this season of my life. God is exceedingly good to me.

 

If He has it in His will for me to get married, wonderful! If not, wonderful! Instead of dwelling in the 'waiting and worrying' mentality, I strive to use my time wisely and productively. Learning new things every day, strengthening relationships with the people in my life, and drawing closer to my Maker.

 

I'm no longer "on the lookout" for a mate. Let's be honest, that involves way too much stress and energy! Which I'd rather spend on something a bit more productive.

 

No, I've learned that when I try to take things into my own hands, the end result is always inferior, messy, and quite often a flunked attempt. I'm pretty sure this could apply to every aspect of my life, including the 'romance' side.

 

So in conclusion?

 

I'm leaving my love story in God's hands...not mine. 

 

P.S. I'm sorry this sort of evolved into a sporadic sort of rambling rant, but hopefully you gleaned something from it? *uneasy smile*

 

Dating and Princesses {Ramblings and Book Review}

Lately my mom and I have been talking more about relationships and marriage.  This is my last year being home schooled, meaning next year I'll be packing up and moving to a Christian University. I'm very excited to start taking my first steps into my adult live. Still, its a scary thought especially since these next few years will probably be the last years I spend as a single girl. (Which is also a little bit exciting, but only a little! ) Chances are in the next five years I will meet the man that will one day become my husband.  Which brings us back to the first statement.  Relationships and marriage.

Those two words have been mangled by modern society.  Relationships aren't meaningful anymore. Many marriages aren't either.  Everyone wonders why people who seemed 'perfect' together 'broke-up' or why a seemingly 'happy' couple has divorced.  These sad events aren't random they are the product of bad habits, bad choices, and ungodly attitudes.

Dating is one of the most common factors in these failed marriages and relationships. Dating opens up the door for those bad habits, bad choices, and ungodly attitudes. Lets take a look at the modern definition and meaning of 'dating'.

"The modern day battlefield of romance where hearts are won and broken, the not-quite so version of chivalry and wooing, an interview for a lover; the lay down some time-and money and see if you get some candy routine; the progressed game of cat-and-mouse;  playing baseball for a home run."Here is the top definition that came up when I began to search for how we define dating. Clearly dating is neither biblical nor a good way to build a lasting relationship. Dating often strikes up relationships with complete strangers, skipping the step of friendship. Dating doesn't typically wait for marriage before a couple enters into an intimate relationship. Dating doesn't mean long term, its a game, a way to not be 'alone' even if the person you're 'with' is only out for his/hers own personal desires. Dating doesn't require commitment or honesty. Dating doesn't work.

One thing that really gets to me is that kids 'date'.  I have had four-year-old kids tell me about their boyfriend or girlfriend and how they hold hands during recess. Even worse is that the 'relationships' are encouraged by their parents. I often hear them make comments such as, "he's such a little player, he can never decide which girl will be his girlfriend for the day, its just too cute." or "she's such a little lady, all the boys are after her, and she keeps them guessing."  Excuse me, but no that sort of attitude is not okay or even 'cute' when it comes to little kids. Children should not have any sort of romantic relationship with another child, even if it is 'cute'. When a flippant attitude on relationships is encouraged during childhood why be surprised when the same attitude is still present during adulthood?

When kids are being brought up, bouncing from one person to the next, then the same thing will happen in marriage. Dating typically doesn't take relationships seriously, and if they do than usually the relationship is far to intimate. The point of forming a relationship with someone is to find your future husband or wife. This means kids and even those in high school don't need to be dating or in a relationship. Why expose yourself to unnecessary temptations and damaging emotions when you aren't even ready to get married?  Being in a relationship at a young age is damaging to your future relationships and marriage.

On the other side of the coin we find courtship. Lets see what people are saying  about courtship.

 "Courtship is the period in a couple's relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. During courtship, a couple get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement or other such agreement. A courtship may be an informal and private matter between two people or may be a public affair, or a formal arrangement with family approval. Traditionally, in the case of a formal engagement, it has been perceived that it is the role of a male to actively "court" or "woo" a female, thus encouraging her to understand him and her receptiveness to a proposal of marriage"

 Here we find relationships holding the purpose of finding the person you will marry, which is why a relationship should be formed in the first place.  A courtship is watched over carefully and often focused around the family.  It may be kept quiet among the two families or announced in public. This allows two people usually in their late teens-single adult years to know each other better.  First comes friendship, preferably two or more years, and if the attraction is mutual the young man will go to the father as ask permission to court his daughter. In doing so the two young people are showing a commitment to each other. However, courtship holds physical boundaries. If you're intimate with someone you've just volunteered to ride an emotional roller-coaster. Things such as holding hands, kissing, and hugging muddle your senses. You're worried you will do something wrong, you're wondering how to say something 'sexy', and you're driven to complement others and lavish them with sweet nothings. Save it for marriage, please. Unlike dating where everything is fair game, courtship lays out rules, helping to keep a relationship pure, just the way God intended it to be.

Okay, well that turned out a lot longer than I thought it would be. I tend to ramble and not ever stop. Anyhow, since I've mentioned kids and the way dating affects their attitudes towards relationships I've got a book here I want to share with ya'll.

The Princess and the Kiss- By Jennie Bishop 

Yes, yes, yes. I know this looks like a little kid fairy-tale. It is and that is why this is such a wonderful book!

The Princess and the Kiss is a story about a young princess who is given a very precious gift from God- her very first kiss. Her parents keep that first kiss safe until the young princess is all gown up, when they present it to her the princess decides she will save it for the one special man God intended for her. The story follows her many suitors who come to court her. Charming young men, romantic poets, not to mention brave and daring knights come to offer their riches and display their wealth to the princess. Yet the princess is not impressed by the gems and sweet words. She longs for a Man of God- a humble man who will cherish her precious gift more than anything. One day a simple farmer asks for an audience with the princess. He first comes before the King and Queen, explaining his presence.  They are greatly impressed with  his quiet and gentile manor and allow him to speak with the princess. Humbly he explains to her that he has no riches, that he is not as strong or hansom as other men, that the only thing he can offer is a gift. The gift was a special gift- his very first kiss....

The story is beautiful as are the illustrations, but best of all is the moral behind the story. Wait, pray, and follow God. He will bring you to the person he intended you to be with. This is the perfect book to share with a little sister, niece, or even a someone you babysit. In a wold full of lies and misconceptions we all  need to be reminded of how precious relationship are.

If you want to find out more about The Princess and the Kiss or Jennie Bishops other books you can find them here.

Lies We've Been Told

Marriage is not a reward.  It is not something that you can earn or work a certain formula and then just watch it happen.  It's not a guarantee no matter how beautiful and godly and vivacious you are.

I used to think it depended on me.  That if I could lose weight, I would be pretty enough to get married...but then I saw girls larger than my 125lb frame, happily married and living my dream.

I used to think that if I could just get my daily quiet time together and make it a habit that I never skipped, then God would let me get married...and I saw girls that didn't have it together as much as I did planning their weddings.  I thought that if I could just learn to be more outgoing, then I could actually hang out with the type of man I want to marry.  But every time I met him, it fell through.  I wasn't active enough, independent enough, submissive enough....I didn't debate enough to challenge him, I debated too well and he wanted to always be right....I didn't believe the right things, wear the right things, listen to the right music....or maybe, we were just "very different".

I've tried everything and yet, they keep telling me that all I have to do is trust God and He will work it out.  Put Christ first, fall in love with Him....other women have done that and within just a short time God brought along a man and they lived happily ever after.  Don't focus on getting married, go after other goals and then your husband will miraculously appear.

The truth is, there is no formula.  There is no guarantee.  No matter how hard we work at being the perfect woman, it does not depend on us.

My life has not been strewn with roses.  I have visited heartbreak hotel like so many others before me.  I know what it's like to ache inside because no matter what you do, nothing good ever seems to last.  I know how hard it is when you love someone and they leave you.  I've been there, cried out loud from the pain and then got up and gone to work the next day as if life is wonderful.

I don't have all the answers.  In fact, I really have no answers.  There is only one thing that I know will never change, one person who will never leave and one relationship that will always satisfy and you don't have to wait on him to act because He already did.  My Jesus, my Yeshua, the King of kings, Lord of lords...no matter how many times I slip away and try other things to satisfy and fix myself, He is still there through it all.  He's the only one who can heal a broken heart, turn your tears into laughter, your ugliness into beauty, your pain into something He can use to help others and with Him, there will always be a happy ending.